probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
