I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
