should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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