when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
