I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
