I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
