Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
