This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
