She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
