im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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