So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
