Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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