The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
