don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
