Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
