Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I have peed in a lot of sinks
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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