Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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