She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
