woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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