there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
