I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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