The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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