Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
