First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i love accidental penises.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
