Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
