my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
two words: eviction party
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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