Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize