I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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