When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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