I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
