Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
