you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
