wat bout pragnant strippers??
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
