dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
