bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
