i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
