Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
