Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
