listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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