my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize