Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
