Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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