After last night, I could never be a politician.
I understand Curling. That high.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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