Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
