I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize