I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I accidentally burped into my bong.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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