she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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