I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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