did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
