i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
