I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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