Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
MIDGETS
????
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
