I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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