you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
