Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
