What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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