If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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