i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
