I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
