I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
