He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
